Existing feels expensive in every possible way....

I have a theory: existing is expensive.

Like not in the “I have bills to pay” kind, but more like, “I’m emotionally crashing out” type of vibes.

Man, why is it so exhausting to just live like a human? Sometimes I feel like being a vampire could do me better. No school, no awkward social interactions, just mysterious outfits and dramatic staring into the distance. However, life clearly has different plans for me.

I don’t have taxes and bills to pay… yet, though living life as a teenager comes with a subscription with unlimited hidden taxes. Emotional tax, social battery tax, academic stress tax, career tax, random overthinking tax, embarrassing memory replay tax, and what not. Like life genuinely doesn’t want to go easy on me.

You know, being seventeen is so weird in many ways. Like imagine you’re sitting peacefully in a garden, enjoying a mesmerizing view and cool breeze, pretending for one moment that life is beautiful and cinematic, and suddenly your brain decides to think. Not normal thinking though.

More like:

What will happen when I decide a career?

What if I’m too late to decide what I want to do?

What if I choose wrong?

Will I be rich with whatever career I choose?

Am I already wasting my teenage years?

And suddenly your brain just buffers.

Like hello??? I was literally just admiring flowers five minutes ago.

I get an identity crisis every three business days, and somehow people think I’m mature and stable. Well, let me clear your sweet little misunderstanding. Boy, I wish I was stable and mature. One day I’m acting like a responsible adult-ish person who has life figured out, and the next moment I’m mentally five years old arguing with myself over snacks.

Baamm!

That’s what it’s like to be me.

Now can we talk about aesthetics for a second? Because why do I have nothing to wear when my wardrobe is literally falling on me with piles of clothes?

Ironic, isn’t it?

Like there are approximately a million clothes waiting to attack me every time I open my wardrobe, yet somehow none of them feel right. Why? Because they aren’t aesthetically pleasing.

Being a Pinterest girlie is genuinely exhausting because what the hell do you mean I have to thrift hunt all day just to find one Pinteresty outfit that I highly doubt will suit me? Will I still buy it? Absolutely. Will it probably rot in my wardrobe for decades untouched? Also, yes. Will I throw it away? Never.

Why?

Because what if one random day I suddenly become the exact person that outfit was meant for?

Exactly.

I want to exist, but I must be aesthetic or else screw it I prefer dying.

Also, it’s like I’m an artist with a million different hobbies and feeding them is financially draining. One moment I’m crocheting and the next I’m doing origami and then suddenly I’m painting, journaling, or making random aesthetic things nobody even asked for. Like why does every hobby require supplies? Life really said, “Oh, you want personality? Pay for it.”

Also, friendships? We seriously need to talk about that because nobody warned me growing up would feel like accidentally leaving people behind while also getting left behind.

Like when I was in 1st grade, I had this best friend. You know the type of friendship where you genuinely think, yeah, we are definitely going to grow old together and embarrass ourselves at each other’s weddings. Then lockdown happened and somehow, so quietly, we drifted apart. No huge fight, no dramatic movie scene, nothing. Just… distance. Like one day we were ride or die for each other and suddenly we weren’t, and now we are seventeen and barely even talk.

Which is honestly weird because how does someone who was once part of your everyday life become almost a stranger?

Like hello? We were literally children together.

Then came 8th and 9th grade and… Wow! Toxic friendships deserve jail time. I had this really competitive friend group and honestly, it felt exhausting. Like why are we competing over everything? Grades, attention, who’s doing better, who’s cooler. It genuinely felt like everyone was secretly trying to win some competition I didn’t even remember signing up for.

And the funny thing is, when you’re in it, you don’t even fully realize how toxic it is because you just think, oh, maybe this is normal. Spoiler alert: it absolutely was not.

10th grade was basically me slowly realizing, hold on… this feels wrong. Like why do I feel drained around people who are supposed to be my friends? Why does everything feel so performative?

Honestly, realizing that kind of sucks because suddenly you start seeing people differently.

But okay, life wasn’t completely evil because while completing my 11th, something unexpectedly good happened.

My theatre club.

And honestly? That might genuinely be one of the best things that happened to me this year.

Because for the first time in a really long while, I found a friend group that actually feels… safe. Like people I can genuinely be weird around without feeling judged. The type of people who make exhausting days feel less exhausting. The kind of friendships that don’t feel like work or competition.

Which still shocks me because after everything, I genuinely forgot friendships could feel easy.

And I think that’s the weird thing about growing up. You lose people, outgrow people, get hurt by people, and then suddenly life surprises you with the exact people you didn’t even know you needed.

Which feels oddly beautiful, honestly.

And why does overthinking come free with being human?

I say one slightly embarrassing thing and suddenly my brain decides to replay it for the next six to seven business months. Like wow. Thank you, brain. Really productive use of our time.

Also, can we talk about how weird growing up feels?

Because one minute, you’re a kid watching cartoons without a single care in the world, and suddenly everyone expects you to know what you want to do forever.

Like, Excuse me???

I still don’t know what I want for dinner.

And somehow, I’m supposed to decide my entire future?

That sounds illegal.

But amidst all this chaos, life somehow has these tiny, beautiful moments.

Like when the weather randomly feels cinematic.

Or when a song understands you better than actual people.

Or when you randomly end up listening to BTS at 1 a.m. and suddenly life feels slightly less illegal.

Like I swear, there is something deeply healing about listening to RM talk about life like he’s also equally confused but somehow still peaceful about it.

Very namjooning vibes.

Like going outside, touching leaves, staring at the sky for no reason, romanticizing tiny moments, pretending your life is a coming-of-age film while drinking iced coffee because apparently that fixes things.

And maybe that’s the thing.

Maybe existing feels expensive because we notice too much.

Maybe growing up feels exhausting because we care too much.

And maybe we’re all just seventeen, slightly confused, mentally buffering every three business days, trying really hard to figure life out while acting like we absolutely know what we’re doing.

Which, respectfully, we do not.

And honestly, RM once said, “No one else can be you.”

Which sounds simple, but weirdly comforting? Because maybe I don’t need to have everything figured out yet.

Maybe I don’t need to become some perfect Pinterest version of myself overnight.

Maybe I’m allowed to be messy.

Allowed to change.

Allowed to not know.

Allowed to exist.

Even if existing feels emotionally, mentally, socially, aesthetically expensive.

So yeah.

Maybe life really is soup and I’m a fork.

Slightly confused.

A little dramatic.

Chronically overthinking.

Probably drinking iced coffee while pretending everything is under control.

Everything definitely isn’t in control.

But trying anyway.

And honestly?

For now, I think that’s enough.